Healing

I think this gushing wound has stopped bleeding, but it still hurts.  I wish I could do something, anything, to fix the problem.  I know I cannot go back, but I'm not sure I can go forward either, because I feel stuck in this perpetual shame.

My life has been in slow motion while everyone else runs zipping by.  Here it is spring break, the kids off school for two whole weeks, and I've not given it much thought.  When gardens should be planted, mine lies bare and unattended, the ground unprepared for any seed.  When home projects and family vacations should be well underway, my enthusiasm has waned.  Why?  Because I've been consumed with regret, sorrow over loss of strength and dignity. 

Yet, I see a light through this valley of the shadows.  It is the love of God which wraps around me like a cloak, a protection against the enemy.  I don't feel like God should love me, but by faith I believe He does because He says so. 

My husband has taken to reading the Scriptures to us at breakfast.  I cling to them, because somehow in this season it "makes [me] holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word".  (Eph. 6:26)  Each morning, groggy as I am, I sit on the edge of my seat in anticipation of what God might be saying to me.

The blind beggar cried out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"  And after persisting, Jesus said, "Go in peace.  Your faith has healed you."  (Mark10:47, 52)  Over the last week I too have been crying out for God's mercy.  It has not been a casual prayer, but a desperate, on my face sort of plea.  Each time God has brought me back to faith.  And so when I heard, "Your faith has healed you," I did a double take.  Say what?  Was that God just speaking to me again?  I think so.

I've been longing for restoration, but the door to that place has been closed.  I cannot reach the one I have offended.  How can I be healed when forgiveness, though sought, is not granted?  When innocent children are left believing a lie.  When false accusations are the rumor some believe.  When disobedience is rewarded and a pliable child will undoubtedly turn into a nightmarish teenager.  When the enemy accuses my thoughts day and night.  Where is the healing in all that mess?

Like a beacon the answer came from that verse.  Faith.  My faith is what will heal me.  And the way I have faith is to "Go in peace."  I will move forward from here because I am accepted in the Beloved.  He has forgiven me.  He pleads my cause.  He rights my wrongs.  He is still in control.  He works all things for the good of those who love Him.  I have been "rooted and established in love." (Eph. 3:17)  Not in fear, but in love. 

And so this whole Christian theme of walking by faith has just taken on a new meaning for me.  It is extremely practical, something I must do on purpose, yet, at the same time, something I do not do at all.  Only wait, for my expectation is from Him.

How ironic that the lesson I taught at our recent youth retreat was on "Overcoming Shame".  I had no idea it would apply to me so directly.  And that song, How Can It Be? by Lauren Daigle, it grips me every time.  I will go work the soil of my supposed garden, I will take that family vacation, I will move forward, and I will know joy in the midst of it, because I will walk by faith. 

Surely, it is God who "clothes me with strength and dignity," and I can "laugh at the days to come." (Prov. 31:25)  For it is He who calls me a virtuous woman.  I will live in that truth.